A bird is not a dog. How could I be so confused? Standing in line at Ace hardware, the people around me are astonished:

“A bird could be a dinosaur, a door bell, a down vest,” they explain, “but a bird is not a dog;
moreover, a marriage is not a relationship, a family is not a classroom, a minivan is not a skateboard.
How could you be so confused?”

“Well” I replied, “If the bird learned to bark, maybe my children would stop whining about a puppy; if the bird learned to sing, maybe I could sell the radio; if the bird learned to speak, maybe it would answer the telephone.”

I tried that once.The bird chirped a few times said it was for me, flew back to its cage
Suddenly my cell phone rang. Everybody froze. It was my wife. “You idiot!” she explained, “A bird is not a dog.”

 Her voice in my ear was as hard as cuttlebone.